Final Course Assignments: Jeremy Loves The Zombie Hooker!

Rather than post course materials, the idea of this exercise was to create a character quirk and pop it in a story. A Very short one.

As always Jeremy’s stuff is in the < >.

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It was like a comforter for Charlie the gnome whose nerves had been on edge ever since the news had broken. <Excellent stylistic quirk, Clifford! Yes–this is the sort of thingI was referring to. Your quirk is unique, and it reflects the personality of your character.>

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He counted to himself, eyes to the ground. The little bells on the ends of his tree green cloth boots jingled with every step. <Nice imagery!>Taunting the poor gnome. It was harassment of the vilest nature.

The bells they taunted him with every step and there was nothing he could do about it. Elf/Gnome relations depended on him doing this task. The break down <breakdown> between Elf Unionists at this time of year had lead to the great elf strike of 2010.

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He counted again, breathing in and out with every number.

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His hand was on a rope and a loud “HO HO HO” sounded from behind him. He knew the jolly fat terror was behind him, waiting to devour the children. <Nice!> Although that’s how he’d heard the story of Jolly St Nick as a gnomeling.

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He pulled the rope back and a swarm of screaming, excited children pushed passed the imitation elf that was Charlie The Gnome. He must have been a very depressed looking elf he thought to himself but he had sealed the fates of the children.

Santa would devour their souls, as they filed in… <Twisted!>

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<Fantastic, Clifford! Imaginative, intriguing, funny. Your sentence structure is excellent.>

The next we had to create a list of five things we love.  These could be concepts, places, people, anything…. The Zombie Hooker returns!

1. Musicals

2. Songs that convey a story

3. Zombie Hookers

4. Witches

5. Other worlds <Excellent list!>

So here we were, just me and my girlfriend. Sure she was dead <Wow–nice hook!> but I loved her just as much as I loved Wicked the Musical. Her former career as a hooker had left her with a debilitating illness, a transmitted disease that’s very contageous <contagious>. Therefore her muzzle must be worn at all times. <Dark and funny!>

As the singers did their thing on the stage, the story progressed with every lyric and note. Music telling a story is a marvelous thing. <You might want to do more Showing here.>

If done correctly a song can transport you over the rainbow to a whole new world of drama, love and heart break. It’s a remarkable gift and as Rosie my zombie ex hooker girlfriend grunted, I truly believe the music had touched her still heart. <Nice!>

Of all the things I love I’m not sure if I love Rosie or Wicked more.

<Excellent work, Clifford! I love your idea, and you executed it well! Your sentences flow perfectly. I’d love to see this expanded into a longer short story. Great job!>

Now Five things we hate…

1. Smelly Farts

2. Loud Farts

3. Selfish Folks

4. The Croc under the bed.

5. Beans <Great list!>

It happened in a sudden burst of warm air under the covers. Lily had been so excited to be with Charlie the Gnome for the first time but had she know <known> he liked to far <fart> after ‘doing it’, he <she?> would have been gone the moment he’d unburdened himself.

The reverberation of the gigantic fart was enough to wake the neighbours. The ones how <who> cut down Lily’s bush two weeks again <ago?> because they didn’t like the colour. They massacred it from head to toe and Lily had cried. No extension of nature should be massacred so violently. She hated them, the neighbours. They were selfish, always coming up with complaints to make their lives more interesting and Lily’s more difficult. <I love the tangent there!>

It was the smell of spoiled eggs, no milk <Vivid sensory impressions.> that brought Lily crashing back down to earth. It permeated from beneath the sheets as Charlie slept. Another slapping of ass cheeks as another eruption occurred from the gnome next to her. She felt her nostrils flare with outrage. Charlie the Gnome had always been a smelly creature but he had the looks of a movie star. <Isn’t that always the way with celebrities? Smelly, the lot of them.>

Maybe she shouldn’t have made that bean casserole, Lily disliked beans with a passion, the bland taste just didn’t float her boat but Charlie loved them. Jack & The Beanstalk had a lot to answer for.<Funny!>

She held her breath until she could take it no more. She heaved back the covers, inhaled trying not to gag on the noxious fumes. This was it; she couldn’t stand it any longer. Sitting with her arse firmly planted in the mattress, her stubby gnome legs kicked at Charlie’s back.

Charlie shrieked as he awoke abruptly, tumbling from the safety above. That’s when he saw them. They <Maybe an adjective here.> eyes of a killer. The eyes of the Croc under the bed!

Lily had always warned him of the grumpy croc that guarded the room during slumber time but now it was too late – in one swift serpentine movement, the croc moved from its concealment and swallowed Charlie piece by piece. The gnomes head severed easily with the first crunch of bone against the crocs powerful jaw. Crush, crunch, crunch. <Excellent! I love the flow here.>

Lily used to love the grumpy croc; he kept her safe but as she listened to the gruesome scene below.<comma> She began to cry.

Charlie was her gnome and now he was gone.

“I hate you<comma> croc…” she proclaimed.

The revelation hurt her just as much as the passing of Charlie… she loved the Croc too.

<Fantastic! Delightfully strange, and hilarious. I enjoyed the specificity of your details. Nice job!>

I got carried away with this one and I may not have actually interviewed anyone as I was supposed to.  More caught an interview on the radio… which gave me an idea and then as I was writing it the idea became a touch morbid.

It’s a funny thing the theatre. The lights, the backstage hustle n bustle, the razzle dazzle of it all. This was real showbix <showbiz>. No lights, camera, action. Just you and the audience, flying by the seat of your pants.

Three hundred or so smiling faces all staring up at you on the stage but they’re invisible. <Interesting!> The lights shine like the sun down on you and the stage. The sheen from the stage floor is as blinding as the light itself <Nice detail here!>. Hundreds of shadow people sit transfixed on you. The performer. The actor. Waiting for your next word, your next action, your next slip up. <Intriguing!>

A song ends, a scene finishes and a thunderous furore <furor?> explodes throughout the ornate theatre, the sound of hands clapping form a wall of pure sound at the orchestra pit. It’s as uplifting as the music itself. You could fly on the wings of an angel when an audience rises with appreciation. <Wonderful sensory impressions here!>

Their seats squeak into an upright position, the padding adds a thud to the rapturous applause. <More wonderful sensory impressions.> A bow, a wave a kiss to the audience and I’m done. They love me… they really love me.

They scream for a speech.

“Speech”… “Speech!” calls from all around. My eyes fill with tears and I thank them all for their kindness. A step back and the curtain comes to a close, I see someone crying. It’s my mother… they weren’t tears of joy.

Back to reality, the audience is gone, the curtains have closed. It’s just me, with the priest. I’m strapped to the table.

“May God have mercy on your soul, boy<comma>” the priest said <say> in a judgemental <judgmental> tone, obviously not the forgiving type.

Three clicks. The table tilts back and I’m done.

It’s a funny thing the theatre. You can be anything you want to be but when the night is over and the applause has gone.<comma> You’ll forever be you, misdeeds and all.

<Good job! Your imagery is vivid and fresh, and your narrative voice is distinct. I’m intrigued by the ending, and I’d love to see this expanded into a longer short story.>

So, that’s it… My time as a member of the Yard Gnome Army has practically come to a close. Oh My!! Hope you enjoy the little snippets of my work on the course, sometimes they’re rushed and others they’re so so lol.